Thursday, September 04, 2008

I've not adjusted to wearing bras again.

Basura Sagrada - Burning Man Temple 2008

This is Winona Mason she is my grandmother, and she passed away in 2006 from Cancer, she decided not to be treated and just go.

I am placing her bra in the temple to help me let go of a grudge I have held against her.
She took me for my first bra, picked out this very type, yes the torpedo tit bra, and sent me to try it on. right after I took my shirt off, she OPENED the curtain, I freaked out and turned around just to face the morror and see people watching as my grandma put the bra on me. She told me to stop fussing, everyone has seen boobs before. From that point on I guarded myself from her, I loved her and visited, butI always kept that memory brewing and kept emotional distance. I should have let it go a long time ago and just enjoyed the fact that I had her.

I said the temple was hard. I walked through and read so many of the words written into the wood, feeling like the ink had been left by my hand. I picked up a stick pencil and wrote 4 words on the wall and cried real, unstoppable tears. The temple seemed to have broken down all the walls I fought to hold up, leaving me vulnerable and able to open. I wiped my eyes and touched the words and found the moisture from my fingers smeared the markings and held my hand there to hold me up, to try and really let go and let what I said to be true. I cried and it hurt and I cried and I looked up and her arms were around me, holding me, asking me if I was okay. She was crying too, saying how beautiful it all was. Then she said too "Doesn't it feel like it was all written for you" and I cried more and said yes, and felt feel alone knowing that someone felt the same as me, that I was not the only one looking for guidance and healing. Then she smiled, and took my hand and led me to this image, and said "Did you read made me laugh." And I read, and I laughed, and I said thank you to both the girl and the woman wherever she was that left this bra...because her sharing gave me the gift of a smile when I felt my heart was breaking. I will probably think about this moment, with the girl who hugged me, and the bra that made me laugh, for the rest of my life.

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